Thursday, May 5, 2011
Things I Can't Wait to do :
I can't wait to take a drunken midnight stroll on a foreign beach. I can't wait to reschedule meetings to make a field hockey game. I can't wait to awake on a Sunday, sure of the with newspapers and Bloody Mary's at the kitchen table. I can't wait to take vacations with friendly couples. ... to build a snow bar outside after a big storm and hosting an outdoor happy hour with the neighbors. ... to make quarterly drives to see friends on long weekends. ... to wait anxiously at the window for friends making their quarterly visits to our to pick a dress for a high school graduation. ... to help a young bride pick her dress. ... to plan a bridal shower. ... to plan a baby shower. ... to hold an infant and know I will be there from their start to my finish. ... to plan for retirement. ... to pack for an anniversary trip. ... to not be the "new" one. ... to start feeling "new" again. ... to have a house full of people for Christmas dinner. ... to know your face better than my own. ... to get a hug from a teenager. ... to never look over my shoulder. ... to move my things into "our" house and feel like I belong there. ... to get started.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Words can not express...
I heard that phrase this week. When my third friend this year had her first child. "Words can not express the happiness I felt when I held my baby. Today was the happiest day of my life." Now, I am all about words. I love them, I like learning new ones, I have favorites, and I choose them carefully. So when there are no words - I am at a loss. Now, there's a phrase.
I am at a loss. I feel like I have lost out. I don't know the feeling of having my baby laid in my arms. I try to imagine what it must feel like. I try to comprehend the feeling that you are holding a life that you created. That sprung forth from you. I try to relate something in my life to the kind of love one must feel. Complete love. Unconditional love. I can not. I try to relate to the feeling of total and utter responsibility for the care of an infant. Literally, you are EVERYTHING for them. Even a pet can forage for food. They have the instinct to survive. But a baby, they need you for everything. I find that scary. But apparently it is actually a form of intense, unequaled love.
I am at a loss. Because I can not understand why I have been denied something that seems so normal a part of everyone else's life. I am at a loss as to why, even though I am smart, and I am decent, and I try very hard to "do" life the right way, I am excluded from this huge party that almost everyone else will be invited to. And even when I get passed my own self-pity, I feel at a loss to celebrate my friends' good fortune. I know it is huge, their new additions. It's life changing, and yet I don't know what that feels like. It is frustrating, and makes me feel, somehow, less.
When John speaks of his children, I can see his pride sparkling in his eyes. I want to feel that for his children, but I know I will never completely feel what he does. I know I will never be able to connect with him on that level, and I hate that someone else, their mother, has that privilege, and, in my mind, she doesn't deserve it.
It's just funny - something that happens to so many people, and yet, the emotion involved is so personal that words can not express it. And, unfortunately, my heart will not ever know it. A little self pity here tonight. Not sure what brought that on.
Along the same lines, every single person has or will experience death in their lives. All parents will die. We will all lose friends and beloved relatives and husbands and wives along the way. This, unfortunately, is a part of life that can't be avoided, and lord only knows I have certainly become familiar with this particular emotion. And as much as I love words, there really ARE no words to express how each loss effects me. Even if there were, the words would not be received by others with the same feeling. Other people can imagine, but they can not really understand. We each live in our own grief. I presume that we each live in our own joy as well. Both of those thoughts sadden me a bit. It would be so much better the actually, rather than figuratively, be able to double our joy and divide our sorrows by being able to truly share these emotions. Alas, I didn't make the rules I guess.
In the mean time, I try to dig deeper into my emotional experience to get as close as I can to what Natalie, Tiffany and Wendy must be feeling. I want to understand my friends. I want to walk their walks with them. I want to understand John's simple joys and over-protective fears. I want to share that with him because I want to belong. I am getting closer. It is just a source of sadness that I can never immerse myself completely in the moments that are the common building blocks of life.
Just my ponderings.
I am at a loss. I feel like I have lost out. I don't know the feeling of having my baby laid in my arms. I try to imagine what it must feel like. I try to comprehend the feeling that you are holding a life that you created. That sprung forth from you. I try to relate something in my life to the kind of love one must feel. Complete love. Unconditional love. I can not. I try to relate to the feeling of total and utter responsibility for the care of an infant. Literally, you are EVERYTHING for them. Even a pet can forage for food. They have the instinct to survive. But a baby, they need you for everything. I find that scary. But apparently it is actually a form of intense, unequaled love.
I am at a loss. Because I can not understand why I have been denied something that seems so normal a part of everyone else's life. I am at a loss as to why, even though I am smart, and I am decent, and I try very hard to "do" life the right way, I am excluded from this huge party that almost everyone else will be invited to. And even when I get passed my own self-pity, I feel at a loss to celebrate my friends' good fortune. I know it is huge, their new additions. It's life changing, and yet I don't know what that feels like. It is frustrating, and makes me feel, somehow, less.
When John speaks of his children, I can see his pride sparkling in his eyes. I want to feel that for his children, but I know I will never completely feel what he does. I know I will never be able to connect with him on that level, and I hate that someone else, their mother, has that privilege, and, in my mind, she doesn't deserve it.
It's just funny - something that happens to so many people, and yet, the emotion involved is so personal that words can not express it. And, unfortunately, my heart will not ever know it. A little self pity here tonight. Not sure what brought that on.
Along the same lines, every single person has or will experience death in their lives. All parents will die. We will all lose friends and beloved relatives and husbands and wives along the way. This, unfortunately, is a part of life that can't be avoided, and lord only knows I have certainly become familiar with this particular emotion. And as much as I love words, there really ARE no words to express how each loss effects me. Even if there were, the words would not be received by others with the same feeling. Other people can imagine, but they can not really understand. We each live in our own grief. I presume that we each live in our own joy as well. Both of those thoughts sadden me a bit. It would be so much better the actually, rather than figuratively, be able to double our joy and divide our sorrows by being able to truly share these emotions. Alas, I didn't make the rules I guess.
In the mean time, I try to dig deeper into my emotional experience to get as close as I can to what Natalie, Tiffany and Wendy must be feeling. I want to understand my friends. I want to walk their walks with them. I want to understand John's simple joys and over-protective fears. I want to share that with him because I want to belong. I am getting closer. It is just a source of sadness that I can never immerse myself completely in the moments that are the common building blocks of life.
Just my ponderings.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Redesign
Okay - they said do it - write it --- and so I shall. Oh sweet stream of consciousness blogging - have we missed each other?
Four months - FOUR MONTHS - I have been away from work. I realized today that this is the longest period of non-productivity I have experienced since I was 14 years old. That was a very, very long time ago. Honestly - back then, I went to school, so - perhaps this is the longest period in my life - ever. I can honestly say I am amazed, and a little ashamed, and a bit scared, by the fact that it came so easily and passed so quickly. Granted, during this time I arranged a move, had surgery, recovered, packed, moved, regressed, house-hunted, moved again, unpacked, set up my home, tried to learn my new neighborhood, made a long drive back to OK for a long week, got bad news about my health (not fatal or anything, but disturbing - apparently I am falling apart), freaked out a bit, had some emotional stuff with friends, made the long drive back to VA, tried to institute some newer, healthier habits while I had the time, and now am preparing to return to work tomorrow. It didn't really feel like inactivity, but - it was not productive in the traditional sense of the word.
During this time I have been saddened to leave my home and friends; excited to be starting again in a new place and meeting new people; proud that I have allowed myself to trust enough again to make this move; thrilled to be with the love of my life; disappointed that none of it was as easy as I allowed my foolish self to believe it was going to be; frustrated that I didn't foresee some of the disappointments, and I have been lonely on several levels. A couple are obvious, and will resolve themselves in time. One is puzzling.
I am lonely because I feel as if I am losing myself, and I miss me! I am frightened that I am losing the identify that my career has always - ALWAYS - given me, and I am not sure what I am going to replace it with. I am frightened that I will not be as interesting to people if I no longer have an interesting or impressive job. I am sure that when push comes to shove, I will find A job, but am ashamed to say I am uncomfortable with the thought of saying I am "just" a ______. I don't even know what the blank might be - and yet I worry. In fact, I don't even know for sure that I won't have the same career, but it seems and feels inevitable. I find it depressing that I would still like to be able to say - I USED to do this, or that. How pathetic. No one cares about what used to be. It's all about what you've done lately. Then I think - well - the traveling - that is special, unique, etc. BUT - without the impressive pay check that goes with the job, I won't be able to do that either.
I have been trying to analyze this. What's my problem? I still have a good job - but in essence, I feel like I am throwing it away because somehow, someone came in and disliked me. Not usually a big deal, and not that unusual in and of itself. But this "someone" is way more important than me. There was an ally - and now I am not well thought of any longer. My ego will not - can not - continue on along that path. I am willing to step away from the identity - because it means nothing if it does not come with respect. I feel wronged, as I feel I have earned the respect that has been taken from me. I tell myself daily that this is life, and life is not fair. That really doesn't make it any easier. And then I tell myself that if I stay, I will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I am trying to look at this as an opportunity to reinvent my sense of self worth. I realize now that the reason that so much of that sense of worth in the past has been associated with my career is because there really wasn't much else. I wasn't a wife for long. Never a mother. None of the "normal" things. Somehow I felt I owed society for those short comings, so I became really good at "career." In addition, between providence and desire, circumstances allowed me to travel - a LOT - to some pretty unusual and fascinating places. That made my lack of "normal" societal contribution excusable. Now - without the money to continue that travel trend, and without the career to talk about - what excuse will I have for being so untraditional? Who will I be? I am trying to make good decisions that will keep me financially stable, but allow me to answer that question.
Who will I be? I am a little excited at the prospect of the answer. I am a lot petrified at the prospect.
Next blog will be upbeat if it kills me. Perhaps there will be an inkling of an answer. Maybe my blank will be filled in with I am just "the latest powerball winner!"
As always - cathartic. I've missed this.
Four months - FOUR MONTHS - I have been away from work. I realized today that this is the longest period of non-productivity I have experienced since I was 14 years old. That was a very, very long time ago. Honestly - back then, I went to school, so - perhaps this is the longest period in my life - ever. I can honestly say I am amazed, and a little ashamed, and a bit scared, by the fact that it came so easily and passed so quickly. Granted, during this time I arranged a move, had surgery, recovered, packed, moved, regressed, house-hunted, moved again, unpacked, set up my home, tried to learn my new neighborhood, made a long drive back to OK for a long week, got bad news about my health (not fatal or anything, but disturbing - apparently I am falling apart), freaked out a bit, had some emotional stuff with friends, made the long drive back to VA, tried to institute some newer, healthier habits while I had the time, and now am preparing to return to work tomorrow. It didn't really feel like inactivity, but - it was not productive in the traditional sense of the word.
During this time I have been saddened to leave my home and friends; excited to be starting again in a new place and meeting new people; proud that I have allowed myself to trust enough again to make this move; thrilled to be with the love of my life; disappointed that none of it was as easy as I allowed my foolish self to believe it was going to be; frustrated that I didn't foresee some of the disappointments, and I have been lonely on several levels. A couple are obvious, and will resolve themselves in time. One is puzzling.
I am lonely because I feel as if I am losing myself, and I miss me! I am frightened that I am losing the identify that my career has always - ALWAYS - given me, and I am not sure what I am going to replace it with. I am frightened that I will not be as interesting to people if I no longer have an interesting or impressive job. I am sure that when push comes to shove, I will find A job, but am ashamed to say I am uncomfortable with the thought of saying I am "just" a ______. I don't even know what the blank might be - and yet I worry. In fact, I don't even know for sure that I won't have the same career, but it seems and feels inevitable. I find it depressing that I would still like to be able to say - I USED to do this, or that. How pathetic. No one cares about what used to be. It's all about what you've done lately. Then I think - well - the traveling - that is special, unique, etc. BUT - without the impressive pay check that goes with the job, I won't be able to do that either.
I have been trying to analyze this. What's my problem? I still have a good job - but in essence, I feel like I am throwing it away because somehow, someone came in and disliked me. Not usually a big deal, and not that unusual in and of itself. But this "someone" is way more important than me. There was an ally - and now I am not well thought of any longer. My ego will not - can not - continue on along that path. I am willing to step away from the identity - because it means nothing if it does not come with respect. I feel wronged, as I feel I have earned the respect that has been taken from me. I tell myself daily that this is life, and life is not fair. That really doesn't make it any easier. And then I tell myself that if I stay, I will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I am trying to look at this as an opportunity to reinvent my sense of self worth. I realize now that the reason that so much of that sense of worth in the past has been associated with my career is because there really wasn't much else. I wasn't a wife for long. Never a mother. None of the "normal" things. Somehow I felt I owed society for those short comings, so I became really good at "career." In addition, between providence and desire, circumstances allowed me to travel - a LOT - to some pretty unusual and fascinating places. That made my lack of "normal" societal contribution excusable. Now - without the money to continue that travel trend, and without the career to talk about - what excuse will I have for being so untraditional? Who will I be? I am trying to make good decisions that will keep me financially stable, but allow me to answer that question.
Who will I be? I am a little excited at the prospect of the answer. I am a lot petrified at the prospect.
Next blog will be upbeat if it kills me. Perhaps there will be an inkling of an answer. Maybe my blank will be filled in with I am just "the latest powerball winner!"
As always - cathartic. I've missed this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)