Redesign

Okay - they said do it - write it --- and so I shall.   Oh sweet stream of consciousness blogging - have we missed each other?

Four months - FOUR MONTHS - I have been away from work. I realized today that this is the longest period of non-productivity I have experienced since I was 14 years old. That was a very, very long time ago.  Honestly - back then, I went to school, so - perhaps this is the longest period in my life - ever. I can honestly say I am amazed, and a little ashamed, and a bit scared, by the fact that it came so easily and passed so quickly. Granted, during this time I arranged a move, had surgery, recovered, packed, moved, regressed, house-hunted, moved again, unpacked, set up my home, tried to learn my new neighborhood, made a long drive back to OK for a long week, got bad news about my health (not fatal or anything, but disturbing - apparently I am falling apart), freaked out a bit, had some emotional stuff with friends, made the long drive back to VA, tried to institute some newer, healthier habits while I had the time, and now am preparing to return to work tomorrow. It didn't really feel like inactivity, but - it was not productive in the traditional sense of the word. 

During this time I have been saddened to leave my home and friends; excited to be starting again in a new place and meeting new people; proud that I have allowed myself to trust enough again to make this move; thrilled to be with the love of my life; disappointed that none of it was as easy as I allowed my foolish self to believe it was going to be; frustrated that I didn't foresee some of the disappointments, and I have been lonely on several levels.  A couple are obvious, and will resolve themselves in time.  One is puzzling.

I am lonely because I feel as if I am losing myself, and I miss me!  I am frightened that I am losing the identify that my career has always - ALWAYS - given me, and I am not sure what I am going to replace it with. I am frightened that I will not be as interesting to people if I no longer have an interesting or impressive job. I am sure that when push comes to shove, I will find A job, but am ashamed to say I am uncomfortable with the thought of saying I am "just" a ______. I don't even know what the blank might be - and yet I worry. In fact, I don't even know for sure that I won't have the same career, but it seems and feels inevitable.  I find it depressing that I would still like to be able to say - I USED to do this, or that. How pathetic. No one cares about what used to be. It's all about what you've done lately. Then I think - well - the traveling - that is special, unique, etc. BUT - without the impressive pay check that goes with the job, I won't be able to do that either.

I have been trying to analyze this. What's my problem? I still have a good job - but in essence, I feel like I am throwing it away because somehow, someone came in and disliked me. Not usually a big deal, and not that unusual in and of itself. But this "someone" is way more important than me. There was an ally - and now I am not well thought of any longer. My ego will not - can not - continue on along that path. I am willing to step away from the identity - because it means nothing if it does not come with respect.  I feel wronged, as I feel I have earned the respect that has been taken from me.  I tell myself daily that this is life, and life is not fair.  That really doesn't make it any easier.  And then I tell myself that if I stay, I will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

I am trying to look at this as an opportunity to reinvent my sense of self worth. I realize now that the reason that so much of that sense of worth in the past has been associated with my career is because there really wasn't much else. I wasn't a wife for long. Never a mother. None of the "normal" things. Somehow I felt I owed society for those short comings, so I became really good at "career." In addition, between providence and desire, circumstances allowed me to travel - a LOT - to some pretty unusual and fascinating places. That made my lack of "normal" societal contribution excusable.  Now - without the money to continue that travel trend, and without the career to talk about - what excuse will I have for being so untraditional? Who will I be? I am trying to make good decisions that will keep me financially stable, but allow me to answer that question.

Who will I be? I am a little excited at the prospect of the answer. I am a lot petrified at the prospect.

Next blog will be upbeat if it kills me. Perhaps there will be an inkling of an answer.   Maybe my blank will be filled in with I am just "the latest powerball winner!"

As always - cathartic. I've missed this.